Alone

By the window I sat,
Watching as people passes.
Locked in this room,
My solitude, none understood.

Housing my fears,
An aiding hand never given.
Exterior appearances should not be trusted,
As the smile I wore is not true.
Running away does not solve,
The ultimate enemy is me.




This is a poem I wrote years ago, probably form 5 or in the form 6s. I wrote this as an analysis while I was tackling my issues. Sound tad crude, but I don't wanna change it. Let it be. This was me.

what I did

I deleted my past blog posts.
That's what I did.
Some pretty awesome stuffs...
They went too...
Guess I was pretty brave...
Or just really stupid.

Back to Your Roots

We live in a fast pace world. Things change without us noticing. We change.

When we reach success, save it as a checkpoint and go back to your roots. Reflect. Reminisce. Moving forward is good but looking back once in a while keeps you humble, grounded. Too much success drowns.

They say adolescence and young adulthood is confusing, that you don't find yourself till 30 or late. Well, I think childhood IS you. Adolescence and young adulthood is you trying to adapt to society, difficult because you are trying to filter what you like and what you don't, but what you don't like might just be the very thing they're trying to instill into us; and when you reach it, it is society in you and you are far from the original you.

Are you conformed or are you still you?

P.S. Change is good but change for a better you; not be molded by others.

Stay rooted,

Denise

Wisdom

What I ignored of my mom, I heard it from the older brothers these days... and it struck me, I had been living my life like crap.

"You reap what you sow..."

It's about time I change...

Elle me dit

Qu'est-ce tu fous sur Internet ?

Ca va pas bien dans ta tête

Regarde le temps que tu perds

Pourquoi tu gâches ta vie?

Elle me dit_Mika

A Reaction

As I replay past conversations in my head, this particular exchange struck me and I ponder what caused this reaction and why. Now, hear me out:

A coursemate was struggling in our course and was comtemplating on a switch. While it might or might not be a successful transfer, she draws out a Plan B: to drop out and learn a skill; preferably in the field of nail art and daint beauty.

Now, what caught my attention in my memories was that I was shocked at such a bold statement and there were a conscious effort to control my expression and picking carefully words of my reply. Why was there an effort to control my expression and words? Why am I shocked? Why did it caused such aa reaction?

You see, I come from a family whose parents, I believe, to be a tad traditional. Hereby I mean children are put under high expectations, study hard, graduate and a job with a good pay which will give you a reputation and aquaintances of similar status. Sort of like in the Elizabethan Era and Victorian or any other society. Except class movement are a little less rigid. Upward moves are allowed, providing that the individual is willing to sacrifice time, youth, joy and sunshine to get to the top. On top of that, I'm chinese. So it will be like 'little Denise, you have to study hard and honour our family name'. Well, not literally, my parents don't say that, but, you get my idea...

Dropping out from school and suppressing surprise. Why? I am well aware of people, although most are of above average intelligence, dropping out of school and be successful. Well, success is an objective and vague term. Some may argue the defination of success. So let me rephrase, folks dropping out of school and making fortune. There! It's money again. The people of this age is so materialistic that at the end of the day, money is the main issue again.

I guess that's what cause that reaction. A skill, especially in nail art, it seems just...so...basic payed on the surface. Without the multiples of clients a day and whatnots. What was installed in my head since young was that only good education will bring you furthur. Sure, good education adds boosts to our leaps, but skills, it solidifies our steps. We might not go about bounding and leaping with skills, but it's like a solid ground beneath every step. Isn't it?

If you ponder on it, books and skills, books are just words and theories--far from real life; and skills are, well, skills! Readily applicable in the occupational world! Isn't it?

Well, my hypothesis (if I may put it this way) and deductions might not be most agreeable, but it is open for debate. I'm a person of books and word-for I major in literature, a subject of fantasy and disregarded by many, (I've seen their scrunched expression upon recieving the knowledge, so, I know) so yeah! Leave some words!

Cheers,
Denise

Respect the Boundary

There are two things I am absolutely very sensitive about right now.

ONE. My hair. Especially when the natural curls are out.

TWO. My recent failed Korea trip.

Any mentions of these that I find insulting, watch our relationship turn sour.

If you were me, you’d know how my natural curls gave me a really bad time during my late high school period. The curls are in my genetics and therefore, I am programmed to be sensitive about it. Nuff said.

Now, regarding my failed Korea trip, there’s a lot more behind it…

Anyone who knows me knows that I SHIP this land of plastic surgery. The announcement of the Korea trip sent me over the moon. I worked hard researching and planning the tour itinerary, learn how to expect the harsh Korean winter, learning the basic tourist Korean, food, transport, shopping, etc. It was my first time; planning and visiting Korea.

I spent my December and January reading up on all those information. KTO, blogs, yahoo answers, Youtube, more blogs… But there’s only so much I can know and remember. How does one be fully prepared for something she never experienced before? I do not have much guidance except from the internet. Tonnes of information but vague… Extremely vague. “Winter is harsh and cold in Korea.” How cold is cold? And how harsh is harsh? I watched in Running Man that they shivered in the bitter cold wind but how cold is it? “-16 celcius” Look sister, I come from a tropical country of Malaysia and all my life, all that I’ve seen were sun and rain. The coldest I’ve ever felt would be when the air conditioning was set to the lowest temperature and that probably would be 18 celcius? Thick padded windbreakers and white winter wonderland was all I had in mind. And thoughts can’t be felt by the skin.

Seoul’s subway system was amazing… …-ly complex. It was efficient. But complex. In Malaysia, KL, we have our commuters, monorails, LRTs. It is okay, can’t say it is bad, but I bet the upstairs people are “trying” to improve things. Our rail systems, it is funny. Well, they are not interlinked. To change commuters to LRTs, we have to change station. It is pathetic. Nuff said. So when I got my hands on a Seoul subway map, imagine the shock. Saw it a gazillion times on Google image but the physical map is still different. It felt like efficiency IN YO FACE! Such a huge leap from the local public transport to the public transport there. Good thing my brother’s experience navigating through Melbourne metro shortened our time being lost underground.

Gift giving and souvenirs. I live a mundane life and I do not believe in the practice of gift giving and souvenirs. My concept of these practices is pretty similar to that of Sheldon Cooper’s. I will not take initiative of the hassle of estimating what you might like, buying it and wrapping it in fancy paper with a bow on top, unless, you mean that much to me where I take it personally to care. On your side, if you like that activity and wish to surprise me, be my guest, but take note that I expect you to not expect anything in return other than a thank you and a set of genuinely happy eyes looking back at you.

Shopping in Seoul. I had a great time browsing through the endless racks of clothes, shoes, bags, merchandise and stuffs but to buy them is a tad tricky. Words of many were that if you ever visit Korea, be sure to haggle A LOT and stuffs are EXTREMELY cheap. Well, yeah. I heard those, I read those. But note that they are folks from the US, UK, Europe, Japan, Singapore, etc but Malaysia. Less from Malaysia. Dude! Do you realize how much we are losing on our side of currency? To be thrifting on a vacation doesn’t feel nice. I’d like to be shipping hordes of fashionables back home but we ain’t rich. We get stuffs for the family, yes, but extras, sometimes we really just can’t. Well, maybe my dad can, but I can’t. I just can’t anymore.

Falling sick for 3 days. Out of an eight-day trip. Do you know how that felt? Especially for me, after all my effort researching, my hopes, my expectation. It was just awful. However, it wasn’t something that can not be controlled nor foresaw. My disappointment and bitterness could not be measured with anything before this.

There could be more, but I really don’t wanna be recalling all this crap anymore. So sister, your words, “白痴，有去相没去”, you are rubbing salt on my still fresh wounds. It’s uncomfortable.

Mock my height and my dressing but this of Seoul, do it more, and I might just shove a chainsaw up your pathetic ass.

You have been warned.

A Day Full of Noms

The eve of armageddon. Nothing really exciting... Well, not like it IS suppose to...but...atleast something right? Oh wells... That just proves nothing is nothing is happening. The gospel hasn't gone out yet. The Lord ain't coming back yet. He is anticipating though. And I shouldn't be slacking.

Anyways, today was a day full of noms as per title. This blog had been filled with I-can't-see-tomorrow posts that it's getting so bleak and bleary that even I shun it. My procrastination in publishing posts doesn't help either. These are suppose to be 'letters to future me'! What does pathetic posts like such do to future me?! I'm an idiot. Aaand, I am still writing that 3rdwave post. Half a month has gone by... Procrastination at its best!

ANYWAYS, today was a good day. It was a day of food. Well, not EXTRA-ordinarily good, I've been eating my way to today, but today's noms were different. I've got that feeling I should put something up,

Vicky, Sui Chin and I, along with two others, we went to Midvalley. Nothing special, but upon arrival we stuffed ourselves with Snowflake-that glorious dessert. NOM! Next, off to Sushi Zanmai. My second take at that chain. Beautiful, beautiful food. I took no photos and have no copies of them either; but they were beautiful. Pleasant to the eye as well to the taste buds. NOMNOM!

With bloated stomachs, what else to do at a mall if not fashion shopping? Mango's 50% sounds inviting. And there we were, flipping through limp cloth, but Borders next to Zanmai attract me more. Less crowd, better air, less hassle. The way I like it. However, time waits for none. Couldn't have my sweet time there. We have something planned for the night. We have to hurry up. Chop chop through the clothes. But RM9 basic tees at PDI was a steal. Two for me, seven Sui Chin and Vicky a whooping nine! Family.

Winter solstice's drawing near. Or passed. But who say being in dorm, being late or early restricts us from the tradition? Food tradition to be exact. For me at least. A few items from Carrefour and we're on our way back. Heavy rain upon arrival on dormitory grounds does not hinder me from taking a quick shower and walking over to P3, the block where the others are at.

What can be called 'our dinner' was all sweets. Almost. Filled glutinous rice balls in soy base, mango pudding to wash it down, cheese franks and cherry tomatoes for greens...or reds. Dinner! Simple yet heart-warming. Over at friends', eating, talking nothingness... Though due to my speech I get ignored a lot but all was good. Better than being in my room, facing the monitor, either assignments or drama. My social life out the window. Senior roomies have course mates all over the dorm; Indian roomie, out or giggling to her phone, singing odd tunes or bringing friends in for chats when you're sleeping. That loud, high pitch Tamil chatter. O-EM-GEE!! Not being racist or anything but it's just her... Why have people in when I'm just next to your bunk trying to turn in early? It's not like you can't see me sleeping... Okay. Imma save it for another entry. Sheesh! Why spoil this?

Anyways, noms are all good. I think I can just succumb to gluttony-one of the seven deadly sins. Now I understand MinFood relationship. Might consider being a MinFood shipper too. Hah! Stuffing your face in stress, in joy, in hunger... So much reasons to eat! Good food! And it's in abundance too! But my appetite's gonna break my poor dad's back. Not that he's anywhere near but I should to something to eat on my own.

"To lengthen thy life, lessen thy meals" - Benjamin Franklin
Came from a doctor. PhD. Medical? I'm not sure. So he still should know best right? With his wits.

Peace out.
Denise